That was great, man. I love watching games on your high-def TV.
You keep bringing that 6-pack admission charge
and you're welcome anytime.
All I know is, when I watch my regular low-def TV,
I wanna stab myself in the eyes with a fork.
Don't do that, then you won't be able
to find your way over here with the beer.
See you later.
I just saw Jennifer in the hallway, she's got a present for you!
I bet she does.
- What is it? - I'm not gonna ruin the surprise;
But make sure you are excited when she gives it to you.
- I bet she-- - Okay, shut up.
I can't wait to see it.
Can I grab a beer to go?
Yeah, sure, help yourself.
How was girls night out?
Did you guys play "truth or dare,"
and try on each other's bras?
Actually it was fun.
Once you get those girls out of the office, they aren't afraid to drink.
- You know Theresa? - I don't think so.
No, you've only met her about nine times.
She and her husband are swingers!
Maybe I should meet her a tenth time.
- You know Mary? - Who?
You call her "Bug eyes."
Bug eyes! That's a great nickname.
Tonight she told us she and her husband
only have phone sex.
That's probably because he doesn't want to look into those buggy eyes.
Wait a minute. Do you talk about our sex life with your girlfriends?
Come on, I gotta contribute something.
Tonight I told 'em that when you sweat during sex,
your chest hair looks like the rainforest.
And...
And that's it.
That's how you compete with swinging and phone sex:
sweaty chest hair?
What do you want me to tell 'em?
I don't know. Maybe something that includes the words "satisfied,"
"exhausted," or maybe "filthy."
Yeah? Are those the kind of stories you tell Russell and Adam?
I don't tell stories to them.
Please! Do not tell me you guys do not talk about sex.
They do.
Adam implies things. Russell gives details
and demonstrates with the salt and pepper shakers.
But I'm a gentleman. But maybe now I'll just tell them everything!
Everything?
All right.
Both things.
This isn't the front end of some kind of bulimia thing, is it?
No. I don't always eat like this.
Like Jodie Foster in Nell?
I think you're older than I am.
No, no. I caught it on Nickelodeon the other night.
Are you gonna eat your bacon?
No, go ahead.
So your appetite for food this morning almost matches
your appetite for me last night.
You were pretty energetic yourself.
Well, little guy's got something to prove.
Anyway, I'm glad I decided to cut through the park yesterday
or I wouldn't have seen you playing guitar.
Yeah, sorry I didn't know that song you requested.
Yeah, you should learn it. 9 to 5, it's a classic.
So am I gonna see you again?
You know, I'm a really good cook.
How about tonight I go to your place, I make you dinner?
How Ward and June Cleaver.
I mean... Ross and Rachel.
I'll tell the doorman to let you in.
And as a way of saying thanks,
- I've got a surprise for you. - What?
I'm not gonna finish my bagel.
Okay, we got time.
When I saw this, I thought it would be perfect for you.
Is it a machine that makes your clothes fall off?
No, that machine is called the corkscrew.
- Go ahead, open it! - All right.
This is for me?
Do you like it?
Look at it.
I bet there's something inside.
Yes, there is.
It's a pad for the shoulder strap!
It's so cushy.
What's the occasion?
Well, I saw you taping up your old backpack.
I thought you're doing so well at work, you should look more stylish.
More like a real grown-up.
But my backpack has a four-pen cubbie.
I had to go to three different stores,
and I was so excited when I saw this one.
The other ones weren't this great?
I know it's not something you would normally use.
But trust me, I know style. These are very in.
Go on, try it on!
Okay.
Okay, walk around!
Come on, strut your stuff.
You're a rising young executive about town.
I mean...
You look fabulous.
I feel fabulous.
My God.
What is that?
It was a gift from Jennifer.
Now it's a gift for us.
I didn't say anything, because I figured we could do it together.
Yeah, why don't you just not do it.
Don't get your panties,
which I assume are in your purse,
in a bunch.
It's not a purse, okay?
It's a messenger bag.
And the message is "it's a purse".
Probably no panties in there though.
No room,
what with all the douches.
Look, I don't like it either.
But Jennifer was so excited. She made such an effort to find it.
I just... I couldn't disappoint her.
That's very nice of you, but now you're stuck using it forever.
Yep, all the way through menopause.
Make your stupid jokes, all right? But guess what?
Last night, wasn't the only gift I got.
I'm listening.
So I'm taking a shower.
Jennifer decides to join me.
Rub a dub dub, I'm getting it in the tub.
Not bad, but check this out.
Yesterday I cut through the park. I see some chick playing the guitar.
After 10 minutes of pretending I like the Grateful Dead, who suck,
we go back to my place and we proceed to do it everywhere.
We go in the bedroom.
In the kitchen. What? Yeah.
In the living room. "I'm tired." "I'm not."
Hey, I got a story to tell.
- Yeah? - Really?
- Couple of years back... - Couple years back?
All right.
All right, okay.
You know what?
All right. More recently, I...
That bag is for girls.
I am shocked you wanted to meet me here. You hate shopping.
What are you talking about? I love shopping.
How you doin'?
- Here you go. - Okay.
I am gonna model the dresses for you,
then you tell me which one you like best.
The one marked "clearance."
Go on.
You gonna help me?
Yes, I am.
Are you crazy? What are you...
Crazy for love.
Come on, let's live a little.
No!
- Not here, no. - Why not?
Well for starters, I'd be looking at my butt from 12 different angles.
What's gotten into you?
Well, you had no good stories to tell your friends. I had none to tell mine.
This could be a good story.
Once upon a time I had you in a dressing room.
You do know there's other people in here, right?
Sorry.
Look, things aren't dull.
They're fine.
Stop with the dirty talk.
Maybe our sex could be a little more creative and spontaneous.
Starting... now.
I'm here with my grandmother!
Shush, they're about to do it!
You want spontaneous?
Let's go get a room at the Windsor Suites right now.
If I'm paying for a four star hotel I expect four star sex.
I think actually it's a five star hotel.
Better stop and get some Gatorade.
Look at that. They fixed it.
Stupid low-def tv.
Dumb bag.
Hey.
I just ran into Russell.
We're meeting him and his girlfriend for a movie.
Girlfriend? What, she's his girlfriend now?
I guess. Russell says she's over at his place all the time now.
So it's girlfriend or hostage.
Either way she's handcuffed to the bed.
That's gonna be a disturbing salt and pepper reenactment.
Whatcha doing?
Just watching some tube with the bag.
Have you gotten any compliments about it?
Compliments? No, no compliments.
But I got some comments though from the guys.
Well, that's typical.
Those guys make fun of you for anything.
They make fun of you for using hair gel.
What do they say?
Who cares what those idiots think? They know nothing about style.
They know how to insult it.
They should talk.
Russell always looks like he's wearing a Starsky and Hutch Halloween costume.
Why don't you take the bag to the movie tonight.
That'll show Russell you don't care what he thinks.
Or we can leave it here.
It's not like I'm carrying anything.
That is another benefit of the bag.
We can use it to sneak drinks in
so we don't have to pay their crazy prices.
That's kind of how they make their money though.
And look! There's still so much room,
I don't even have to bring my purse.
That makes one of us.
Nice room!
Not for long.
We are going to wreck this place with some crazy sex.
Hey uptown, enjoy the show.
- What do you think about this? - I like it.
But it too will be destroyed.
Hey, big boy.
Why don't you call room service and...
have them bring us some champagne and strawberries and...
maybe a little whipped cream.
You look so hot...
I'm almost not thinking about the delivery surcharge,
mandatory 18% gratuity.
Almost.
I gotta tell you.
I really like your whole attitude about...
Look at this.
Happy hour in the Hospitality Suite.
Complimentary wine and cheese.
Hot hors d'oeuvres, sushi.
You know they call it complimentary, but it's built in to the price.
So we lose money if we don't go.
It ends at 6:00 though.
It's almost 6:00 now.
But what about destroying the room with our crazy nasty sex?
We're doing that.
No doubt.
How about we go to happy hour,
chug a lot of fancy wine,
we make dinner out of the hors d'oeuvres,
come back here,
tear it up.
Best of both worlds.
- I'll go get dressed. - I'll see you down there.
Claire seems pretty cool.
Yeah, she is. She's different.
I don't have to take her out to fancy restaurants or clubs.
She's happy just hanging out at my place.
- Sounds nice. - She appreciates the little things.
That's perfect for you.
Purse.
I don't care what you think.
This thing isn't that bad.
I mean, look.
That guy has one too.
See,
he looks pretty cool.
Thank you.
That's so excellent.
I don't think it's possible
to drink more wine in that short a time than we just did.
Not without a funnel.
I'll put the sushi in the minibar for later.
God, this bed is so comfortable.
All the better for the doin' it.
So what do you say? You gonna shimmy back
into the sex get-up you had on before?
Yeah, I will.
Just come here and snuggle for 1 minute.
Hey, you know what...
They got in-room movies.
You wanna watch something dirty to get us in the mood?
Nice.
Spider-man 3.
- Yeah, that sounds good too. - Yeah?
On... Movies.
New releases.
Adventure. Spider-man 3.
$13.95.
Too buzzed to care. Purchase.
And here we go.
You had to call Jeff.
Ask him if he's jealous that he didn't get a kiss too.
I'll talk to you later.
The guy from Wings is made out of sand.
Can we go to the seats now? All right.
That's a great bag.
Thanks.
Dude, these two guys just walked up to him...
Haven't been here since I used to live on this side of town.
Where do you live now?
All over, really. Sometimes 14th Street.
Sometimes Christopher Street.
When I can, I crash with friends.
- So you're between apartments? - Yeah.
Going on five years.
I don't understand.
Where do you live?
I live in the moment.
Does the moment have an address?
Some people would call it homeless.
But I just don't want to be tied down to one place.
I can do what I want when I want.
- I get that. - And I'm not really into things.
I kinda like things.
But I once camped out overnight for Bon Jovi tickets.
So does Russell know?
No. We mostly talk about him.
'Scuse me.
Sorry to interrupt the girl talk.
What is it... "I like shopping, I like boys."
Let's buy a scrunchie." Am I close?
Yeah, bull's-eye.
What?
- The popcorn's so good. - You can have mine.
Here, you want all this?
I've got some red vines.
- And my scarf. - Here's a scarf.
My God, that was the most amazing night.
Definitely.
Best I ever had.
Sorry we didn't have crazy sex.
Or any sex.
That's fine. It was the perfect night of sleep.
Sex would have ruined it.
Does this prove we're dull?
Look, it's like you said. We're fine. We have nothing to prove.
- We've proven it already. - We have.
We have done it in some pretty wild places.
Like stairwells...
Cars...
Canada.
You know, there's an hour and a half before check out.
We could still do it.
Or we could sleep some more.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Tonight when we get back to the flat,
we can do it in that bed that I now hate.
Can we play real estate lady
showing a lonely businessman an apartment he might rent?
Maybe the businessman takes the real estate lady out
for an expensive, romantic dinner first.
That seems a little unprofessional.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, how'd it go?
You break things off with Boxcar Willie?
I was going to. But I realized even though she's homeless,
she's still a good person. So I'm gonna keep seeing her.
Surprisingly deep.
Plus, I look like a hero giving her three hots and a cot.
And back to the shallow end.
Saves a lot of money on dates.
Your leftovers...
her dinner.
Could I get a to-go container for this, please?
- Guys, got a great story. - All right.
So audrey and I just finished playing
real estate lady and lonely businessman.
What are you... What are you doing?
- Come on, serious. - What's the problem?
Nothing's less hot than a...
married guy's sex story.
She's your wife, man.
Yeah, but she wasn't acting like my wife.
She was... Mona...
- The buxom, number one sales... - Buxom.
Don't say that. What are you doing?!
Show your lady some respect.
Wait, I chewed on that piece. It's a little gristle.
I'll bury it in the rice. She'll never know.
Hey, sign the check. Let's go.
I got a pen.
Is that a...?
No wonder you're so cranky.
You know what? Here, here.
Here's your new to-go bag. There you go.
What are you gonna tell Jennifer?
That I got mugged.
By who, the Village People?
Claire.
- Hey, russell. - Hey.
Who's this guy?
Tim.
We're part of the same drum circle.
What, are you guys together or something?
- I'm sorry, Russell, it's over. - What?!
You're breaking up with me?!
But I have shelter.
That's the thing. You're too trapped by your material possessions.
Forgive me for having an Ipod.
We did have some good times, didn't we?
Kind of.
Okay, great.
I'll see you around.
Here's some leftover chicken à la king.
Fabulous bag.
- You like it? - Love it.
It's yours.
You'll be back.